Friday, December 06, 2019

Friday Ramble - Now We Are Two

On cool fall mornings, the Clyde river valley in the Lanark highlands is like something out of a dream or a painting. For many years, Irv and I walked these hills with our canine companions, first Cassie, then Spencer, and now Beau. There was always something amazing to see on our treks: fog rolling across the hills and down the valleys, owls peering from shadowed alcoves, deer and wild turkeys at dawn, sandhill cranes dancing in farm fields at sunset. The view across the valley is breathtaking in any season. In autumn, it illustrates the lovely expression "over the hills and far away", better than anything else I can think of.

My beloved passed away a few days ago due to complications from pancreatic cancer, and now we are two. From now on, it is Beau and I who will ramble these hills together, in the flesh anyway. Cassie and Spencer traveled beyond the fields we know some time ago, but they and Irv will be here and walking right along with us. There will be five of us on the snowbound trail this winter, but three of us will not leave paw prints in the white stuff.

Grief and sadness have come to stay, and they are probably here for keeps. I will have to get used to that. For many years I was married to one of the most wonderful men who ever walked this earth, and walk we did, hand in hand and all over the place, packs on our backs and canine companions trotting along by our side. I loved Irv more than life itself, and I always will. I simply cannot imagine life without him, and flourishing without him is not in the cards. Just surviving is going to be very hard work.

I cry and and stare out windows, am restless and can't settle down. I forget things, drop things, lose things. Sleep evades me, and I have no interest in food. I stroke Beau's silky ears and take him for long walks in the woods. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out. I tell myself that Irv is no longer in pain, and that I will learn to live with this broken heart. I try to take comfort in knowing that in some measure, we will walk these hallowed hills together forever, and that our beloved companions will be with us. A fine untrammeled wildness dwells in our blood and bones, all of us.

18 comments:

Debbie Galloway said...

My heart is breaking for you. Wishing you peace.

Pienosole said...

❤️

Dee said...

I'm so sorry. Grief is such hard, exhausting work. I know time softens the ragged edges of it, but that's about it. And it sucks. I hope you can find some comfort in your wonderful companion Beau and in the still beautiful outdoors. Be blessed.

thelma said...

My heart goes out to you, I lost my beloved Paul two months ago. But those we love travel with us in our hearts, we speak to them and catch happy memories through the day. Blessings.

Barbara Rogers said...

I'm sorry for your loss...a loved one who has been with you so long, so close. And the feeling you have of his spirit's closeness remaining is worthwhile as you adjust to his changing, transitioning. Keep on sharing with him. Keep on knowing his love is enduring. Keep on doing simple tasks, slowly if possible. Keep on walking, taking beautiful photos, posting choice words on your blog. Stay awake. Pay attention.

~elen~ said...

Deepest sympathy to you. My sis lost her husband to cancer and organ failure last month and is coming to stay with us for the holidays. Nothing is harder than losing someone you love...
You have such a wonderful blog, I appreciate all your beautiful postings.

Mystic Meandering said...

Am so sorry to hear this Cate. My heart feels the pain of your broken heart... gutted like a candle. I lost my mother in March, but it isn't the same as a life partner for sure... May the light shine in your heart again as you walk through this dark period. Rest and grieve... Love to you!

Marsha said...

I have been there, and yes, surviving is very hard work. And each day will teach you how. You will be supported.

Mary Anne Komar said...

I am so terribly sorry to hear about your darling passing away. You and the people you love are in my prayers.

Lilian Nattel said...

I am so very sorry, Cate. So so difficult. My heart goes out to you, hugs, and sending light.

donna said...

So sorry.

bev said...

This is a hard time. It's been over eleven years of living on my own, but I still remember those first hard weeks. I remember that restlessness and sadness. As you will remember, that's when I began to travel with my dog. It's a solitary journey, but the company of a good canine companion helps greatly. Sabrina and I walked many miles that first year. I found great solace in out in nature. Little by little, it healed by broken heart. I wish you peace.

ekmanspiral said...

Your words brought tears to my eyes and I don't really know what to say. I have not experienced this deep a loss and can only imagine how painful and lonely it will feel if my beloved goes before me. I wish you peace and comfort.

Unknown said...

"Nothing that is good, or beautiful or true can ever be lost." May you find joy still in all the things you have written about.

Debbie said...

An achingly beautiful tribute to your true love. He sounds like a wonderful soul, Cate, and I, too, have no doubts that he, Cassie, and Spencer are right there tenderly watching over you and Beau.

Sending gentle hugs and so much love . . . still.

Love you.

❤️

Jennifer said...

I am so very sorry for your loss, Cate. ❤

Guy said...

I am very sorry to hear this news Cate.

My thoughts are with you.

Guy

M. E. Martinsen said...

I am sorry to hear of your husband's death.