Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Smaller Me

I didn't think there were any pictures of my infant self in existence anywhere, and I was stunned to find these two photos tucked into the back of a battered hardcover copy of Katharine Butler Hathaway's "Little Locksmith" yesterday afternoon. The book had been a childhood favorite, and I removed it from my mother's house many months ago, thinking to read it again this winter and reacquaint myself with the life of someone I have always admired greatly.

My feelings on finding the two photos yesterday were tumultuous and difficult to describe — for some time, I sat looking at the two cracked and timeworn images with my mouth open, then I cried for hours and went through a whole box of tissues.

What shall we say about this wee person of almost sixty years ago? She is happy, bright eyed and brimming with curiosity. The world is full of wonders just waiting for her to explore them — she is already looking forward to great explorations and splendid adventures, and those little bare feet of hers are ready to set off on the journey.

If this little person had been my daughter (rather than myself), I would have held her close, and I would have loved her fiercely. I would have protected her and kept her safe from all harm. Hand in hand, we would have explored puddles, tide pools, estuaries and beaver ponds — we would have watched birds, cicadas and butterflies — we would have rambled through fields, hedgerows, trees and old stones — we would have painted everything we were discovering with our bamboo brushes and made art. Together, we would have explored Herself (the Old Wild Mother), and we would have plumbed the mysteries of the turning seasons, the stars and the moons — we would have danced ecstatically.

11 comments:

Shelley said...

Warm sweet kisses for your bright-eyed little baby self!

K Allrich said...

Sweet and Dear One! How I love seeing your baby self. You would have been a fabulous mother to that gentle tiny soul, Yes. Yes.

And in the realm of dreams and twilight, we can still be. We can take her hand and protect her, and love her. Now. For she is still within you. And she loves YOU - fiercely.

xoxo

silverlight said...
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søren said...

thank you, thank you, thank you for this beautiful post. I think I might post it on my bulletin board.

Anonymous said...

I'm so very glad for you that you found those photos. I think the little one is still around in some respects and would love to go on those walks with you.

Anonymous said...

These are lovely photos, you look such a lovely baby. Sadly I've gathered that your childhood wasn't as idyllic as the one you would have given to your small self. I was lucky and had a childhood much as you describe and eventually I hope to pass on similar experiences to my little grand-daughter. I haven't commented much as I'm having trouble doing so most of the time. I so enjoy reading your words and seeing the wonderful photographs though. Rowan

Val said...

Thank you for the thought provoking post (as always). It encouraged me to look at some of my child photos. I linked to this post from mine - I hope that is OK. Kind regards.

Suzie Ridler said...

I am so happy to hear that you would have done everything possible to protect and love the little you had you the chance to be her Mom. This is so healing and beautiful a post.

Maya's Granny said...

Such a wonderful baby you were. Such a wonderful woman you are. And you deserved all of the best love and care and protection that any mother could give a child.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing those dear photos. Your feelings on finding them seem natural to me. There's something precious about the children we were.

Kim Antieau said...

Ditto on what the others said. Big kiss & hugs.