Friday, June 26, 2009

Friday Ramble - A Wild Patience

As I started off on the Friday ramble this week, the word that came to mind was patience, although I have already written a ramble with that word.

Patient is what I am trying to be at present, as I lurch and totter and scramble my way through a whole series of medical diagnostic procedures - some are invasive and uncomfortable, others are no problem at all. Off I go from one doctor to another, clinic to laboratory to hospital, then back again. Patience, I say to myself over and over, patience, patience, patience...

The tests will not all be completed until late July, and there is nothing I can do until then except breathe in and out, cultivate patience and forbearance, think positive thoughts and wait for my results. I can't permit myself to be undone by fear and anxiety, and I try to remember that, but there are times now and then when I freeze up entirely and wonder if I am about to go as mad as a hatter. Then the dark clouds roll by and my fearful moment passes - I pick up my camera or paint brush, make a pot of tea, go for a walk with Spencer, curl up in my favorite Morris chair with a good book.

For some reason, the elegant keyboard sonatas of Domenico Scarlatti (Mikhail Pletnev's recording) and the Bach preludes (Glenn Gould) put everything back into place now, and so does the magnificent voice of Dechen Shak-Dagsay, particularly her soaring sung rendition of the Om mantra.

Whenever I can, I head for the woods, watch the sun rise over the lake or go down in flames at the end of the day, watch cattails sway along the shore and listen to the wind in the trees above the gorge. Last evening, I watched a radiant crescent of waxing moon dance aloft in the western sky just after sunset. Sometimes, I lean against an old rail fence and watch dragonflies zooming around the hill like ecstatic whirling dervishes. Whether or not I can muster any energy when I am out in my favorite wild places, I am most comfortable there, peaceful and completely at home.

Patience/patient has its roots in the Middle English pacient, the Middle French patient and the Latin word pati, all meaning to undergo something, to suffer through, get through, or put up with something and do it with grace and dignity - no whining, screaming or going completely off one's nut. Patience is a good word for someone aspiring to authenticity or enlightenment, but it is not for wimps and sissies, and it is anything but limp and docile. I am learning that it is a truly wild and fierce emotion.

16 comments:

Jan said...

Patience, in the Tibetan tradition, is also the antidote for anger...

Many blessings to you as you navigate health issues and the health system. Not an easy walk. It sounds like you are in tune with caring for yourself in soulful ways to maintain equanimity as best you can. And remember to breathe beautifully...

A compassionate, thoughtful post. Thank you!

Endment said...

Cate
Hugs

joanna said...

Thank you for being such a wise teacher, dear Cate.

Tabor said...

Not so easy to be patient on such a difficult journey, but you will master this as you have other things. I see the strength of your soul in your writing.

GreenishLady said...

Cate, I wish you well in the waiting, and in the outcome. You display such patient and gentle attention in what you do here, it seems to me that you have mastered it far more than many of us. Blessings to you.

The Rambling Taoist said...

As always, your posts -- be they in picture or word -- are exquisite and beautiful. Your description provides a depth to patience which is so often missed in our hectic world.

liliannattel said...

Patience isn't for wimps at all. I'm sending you good energy.

Barbara Anne said...

Cate,

Your poetry carries me often and I thank you.

Wishing you well ...

Grace and peace

greentangle said...

Wishing you well.

Had a nice flight of four-spotted skimmer dragonflies come through a couple days ago, spreading up the hill from the lake.

One Woman's Journey said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

quiet said...

Hope that your health returns in full measure.

You have given so much to all of us through the daily expression of thoughtfulness and beauty.

Cindy said...

I can totally relate to this one, as I travel my own bizarre 'journey to wellness'. For myself after 3 years of a chronic/untreatable illness, I can honestly say that nature is often the only thing that makes sense.. not in a rational way perhaps, but in a way that matters and always fills my spirit. May it continue to fill yours as well.

lookingforbeauty said...

I find such peace in your writing and the writing of others that you bring to us,your faithful readers. Hang in there.
I know the medical system is very frustrating, and worse when you have not got your normal energy levels to deal with it.
If you read back through some of your own posts and pictures, you may find some diversion of a spiritual sort - I find your work gives me a sense of wonder and a sense of peace.
It sound like you are doing the right things to keep yourself grounded.
K

Rowan said...

I'm so sorry that you are having problems with your health, hopefully your patience will be rewarded and all will be well eventually. Your writing and your photographs are always both beautiful and inspiring and I think that 'looking for beauty' is right in that you will find solace in looking back at your own words and pictures.

Sky said...

how i identify with this post as i face my own major surgery july 8th. many emotions float inside me and fear is certainly among them. good luck with your diagnositc procedures. i hope the results are not too serious and that resolution will not be too complicated or threatening. i wish for you comfort in all ways. i wish the same for me! huggssss.

Livia Indica said...

Oh, the health systems of the developed world. So many very personal facts must be divulged to so many strangers and yet at the end of a day of tests and waiting and more waiting one can feel as if most of the time was wasted. I know how frustrating and nerve wracking that can be. You are in my thoughts.